Not entirely sure about this one, but here we go. 😉
The dust devil rose on the horizon, where the lake met the river. It wound lazily among the clouds.
She gaped at it for a heartbeat, than snatched the basket of clothes and ran back to the house. Bare feet slid in the mud, but she didn’t dare slow down.
She looked back only once. All the fishing boats were coming in.
Her mother and aunts were in the front yard, shelling peas and laughing.
“It’s coming!” she gasped. “The dust devil. Over the lake.”
Her mother frowned. “Are you sure – you must be. Give me that. Get the children.”
Story Treasury 
Wow, great tension building in this one Sonia! I’m glad the women didn’t quibble with her about whether it was real or not. Is a dust devil the same as a water spout since it was over the water?
Wow sounds like some of the dust storms in TX, great job
thanks Jean!
Oh really good tension in this piece, a sense of foreboding and a frisson of fear.
Very nice writing Sonia!
thanks a lot helen!
Nice setting! I’d like to know why they were so worried about it though. … or was it a real devil???
I am thinking a real devil. 😉
The great title got me first, then the tension of the story. I sensed her sudden fright.. One minor quibble. I would delete the aunt’s line: “Give me that.”…assuming you mean the basket. In her run and mudslide, I would think she would have dropped it…or the aunt, frantic to get the kids in the house…would not be focusing on the clothes basket. Thank you for visiting mine.
Those are good thoughts! Thanks.
Affter all the tornadoes in this area, I was caught up right away in the intensity of your story. Very nicely done–I’d love to know how each one survived.
Mine: http://www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html
Never been through a tornado and the very thought scares me.
I have actually been in some pretty violent dust devils so I can relate to the frantic need for shelter but mud and the presence of clouds and so much water tells me this might be a twister or water spout. Unless the devil is a creature?
Opps here’s mine http://createrealitylivelife.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/flash-fiction-story/
Yeah a creature!!!
I love something that gives me an image and this one was so clear that I had two going at once. A dust storm AND a dust made being, both made me want to get out of there … fast.
thanks so much linda!
I’d heard of dust devils but only now do I know what they are. The tension you built was palpable, though the seemingly resigned frown of the mother suggests she’s almost used to them.
Mine’s here:
Yeah, I am thinking they might be fairly common.
Are the dust devils like the dust storms we sometimes have over here? The tension, fright and sense of urgency was strongly conveyed. Great job. Here is mine:
Doubt it. Thanks!
Hate to be repetitive, but “great tension.” Well done! Mine’s at http://wp.me/p1WuR1-Ss.
LOL I don’t mind hearing it again. 😉
Ooh, nicely done. You can taste the fear!
Here’s mine.
http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/
Thanks JK!
You certainly capture the urgency and tension of this story, but I was wondering about it a lot – if the ships have time to come in, the women would surely have time to collect their things. I don’t know anything about dust devils though, so I may just be wrong. Probably am.
I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/friday-fiction-soul-memories/
I am not sure. They could hardly stay out in the water.
I’m not in an area subject to lots of threats from tornadoes/hurricanes, but I certainly felt the urgency. Nice work.
My attempt: http://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/sharp/
thanks!
I’ve never ventured into writing flash fiction. But, I enjoy reading them. Nice vivid scene. ~ Angela, Whole Foods Living, http://www.wholefoodsliving.blogspot.com/
thanks Angela! It’s easier than you think probably.
The tension in this piece was perfect, and even her mother knew when she wasn’t kidding. Well done.
Mine is here:
http://siobhanmuir.blogspot.com/2012/04/another-200-words-for-fridayfictioneers.html
Siobhan
She surely did! Thanks Siobhan.
The drama and the urgency were so palpable in this post! Great work!
Here’s mine – http://faitaccompli.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/building-boundaries/
Parul
Thank you parul!
I’ve never heard of a dust devil before but it was very clear from your story. You could really sense the urgency.
Here’s mine: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/04/27/scraped/
Thanks a lot Janet!
I like the tension, but like the other have said, I wonder weather you mean a tornado or water spout instead. Also, I would like the mom’s reaction to feel more urgent, to match the daughter’s.
neither, I am thinking a creature of some sort. Thanks I will take into that account in the next one.
Eep! I wouldn’t have appreciated as much until recently, when I read up about how dangerous and damaging dust devils can be. Well-written. Thanks for sharing!
Here’s mine: http://the-drabbler.com/trespass/
thanks a lot Robert!
I like the way that it opened for me not completely clear whether dust devils were bad or something interesting she wanted to tell the others, and then the ending of that, after the tension of her racing home, had a nice release.
thanks a lot aidan!
Loved the imagery her bare feet sliding in the mud etc very dramatic and almost does not matter who or what the dust devil is — it is clearly evil. Well done!
thanks brinda!
To instil such fear, I think this dust devil must be a hell-driven manifestation carrying the power of a tornado.
lol you could be right!
Great work in such a short space! As many have said, the tension builds well.
thank you fayne!
Knowing how much I love fantasy scenarios, that better be a dust devil instead of just wind and dust. xD Based on how they are reacting though, they are either far two scared of simple things and could never survive in the “real world” or it is what I’m hoping for. 😀
It is fantasy!!!
Would make a great opening for a disaster movie/novel.
Hadn’t thought of that Craig!
Great tension and pace in this piece Sonia – I’m not sure what the dist devil was though 🙂
thanks brain!
When you say “Not sure about this” it’s always brilliant. This is a great example of perfect flash fiction. You have sculpted a precise and beautifully carved moment of terror!
lol thanks a lot!!!!! that’s flattering
What do you mean about ‘not sure’? I liked it.
I wasn’t entirely about the ending. 😉 or even the middle.
I have visions of the dust devil that Mickey Mouse catches, and is chased by its big brother.
Good build up of tension.
lol that’s funny icy
i don’t see the barbed wire in that, but it was still very good drama.
thanks! there isn’t any barbed wire
oh. sorry. well, i guess we don’t have to stick to the picture 100%. actually, we really can do whatever we want i suppose.
Hi there Sonia —
Nice, compact story — and it is a proper story, with a sense of danger, change, place, and character. 🙂
For the ‘she’ in “She gaped…” You might have given her a name, instead. And “Are you sure?” would probably stand ok without the “you must be.”
But, those are just some trifling thoughts.
I like it.
St.
PS: Also like the new (to me) site design.