fantasy · flash friday · Short Story · Writing

Friday Flash: Her Half-Demon

This is a flash I started for last Friday flash, but finished today. Enjoy!

Music pulsed through the speakers and the singer’s husky voice ignited a fire in her belly.  Hey, hey, hey. Got to go, baby, go go go go.

His hands settled on her hips and Cira turned, still swaying, looked up into gorgeous gray eyes.

His mouth opened, his lips moved. She couldn’t hear him over the music, but she did like the shape of his mouth. The pretty flick of his forked tongue. It was exactly what she needed.

She smiled and feathered her fingers up his back. His shirt was soft blue fabric, but underneath, his spine was a delicious bumpy ridge. Mmm.

He shook his head and lowered his mouth to her ear. “Pretty. Want to drink?”

“Are you offering?”

He laughed. “Yes. My job, isn’t it?”

So it was. The club was very good at providing for members and half-demons were especially succulent. “Let’s go.”

She let him lead her to one of the second floor private rooms, complete with a well-supplied side table, bed and a wet bar.

He flicked a switch next to the door and a soft melody wafted through the room. “Can I pour you something first?”

Cira smiled at him. “You can pour yourself onto the bed.”

He pulled his shirt off, tossed it on top of chair and arranged himself at the edge of the bed. Such grace.

“Perfect.” Cira gripped his neck, felt her fangs slide out. “This is going to be fun.”

His tongue flickered out, tasted the skin on her face. “No doubt.”

She plunged her fangs into his throat. Hot, tasty blood flooded her mouth. Oh, yes. So sweet. Half demond blood was so very, very sweet. Better than the chocolates she loved as a child.

Cira lifted her mouth from his neck, licked her lips. “I forgot to tell you something. I am not a vampire.”

Confusion filled his eyes. “I don’t und-”

She snapped his neck and flipped him over. This was the real meal.

Cira dug her fingers into his back and pulled out his long, glistening spine. Flavored with half-demon blood, it crunched wonderfully between her teeth.

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52 thoughts on “Friday Flash: Her Half-Demon

  1. Nice twist to this story Sonia – I thought as I read it oh yeah she’s a vampire, but you surprised me there – good one.

  2. Hi Sonia,

    Crunch, crunch.

    A lyrical piece with a twist. It flows well except that spines don’t just jump out of the body when you tug on them. That’s just me being to ‘real world’ I guess. Perhaps that’s why I never got on board the latest vampire train.

    Still waiting at the station,

    Doug

  3. I was just settling into “Ho hum, here’s another vampire thing” when it turns out she wasn’t.

    I love demon’s too. But I couldn’t eat a whole one.

  4. “Half demond blood was so very, very sweet. Better than the chocolates she loved as a child.”

    This is my favorite line of the whole piece, because it really equates this “feeding” she’s doing (and the kind she’s about to do (love the spine scene!)) to food. We’ve gotten into a mental place as a society where vampires and demons are these sexualized creatures…and you play off that *and* turn around and turn it into something brutal at the same time!

    I enjoyed reading this a lot, Sonia! Thanks for posting it for us!

  5. Holy wow… then what IS she? There’s been a lot of wonderfully unexpected endings in this week’s #FridayFlash and this was definitely one!

  6. Wow! That was a surprise. I was ready for sexy-time and got gore instead! This one is filled with sensory details. I loved the crunch especially. 🙂

  7. Wow Sonia – that was like a smack in the face that I actually enjoyed!! 😉

    Well played…

  8. Hot! I love the sensuousness that you start with the dance and end with the meal. Great descriptions throughout.

    P.S. one minor note, I think there is a grammo here: “This is was the real meal.”

  9. What a very sensual flash – it has everything and a particularly strong sense of place and desire. Her viciousness surprised me as much as it probably surprised the lithe half-demon, lol.

  10. What an ending! I didn’t think it was possible for it to get weirder, and then she eats him. I’m not normally into gory stories (or endings) but that was perfect!

  11. Since you posted this story on twitter with the #stabbylove hashtag, I figured you wanted a ‘stabby’ critique, since that’s the whole point of that hashtag: blunt and frank advice to make you a better writer.

    Anyways, here I go:

    Overall I think you have some major POV problems here. You are zoomed in so close in your 3rd person that we see the thoughts of Cira. We get this sensual language from her, talking about gorgeous gray eyes and the shape of his mouth, but he is nothing to her. She is just a snack. You wrote a check to the reader that that she was in love. But at the end of the story, when we went to cash it, the check bounced.

    You either have to bring the POV out of Cira’s head if you want to keep your twist or delete anything that shows Cira in love with him.

    Also, with regards to the opening, I don’t get the sense of a vibrant club, but rather an elderly couple slow dancing to their prom song from 1940. But the rest of the story seems to take place in a happening modern club. You might want to fix that. But the bigger problem might be the point in which you open. The club has nothing to do with this story. It’s about this half-demon and whatever Cira is. You don’t have to play your cards that close to your chest about what he is and what she claims to be. It seems like the better hook to me would be starting with the forked-tongued guy dancing with somebody who appears to be a vampire.

    Then with regards to the ending, I found the line “I forgot to tell you, I’m not a vampire.” incredibly cheesy. If I’m some sort of monster duping a half-demon into eating his spine, I’m just going to rip it out once his defenses are down. I’m not going to give any type of one-liner lest something bad happen to me. (I’ve watched too many James Bond movies to ever do that.)

    On a grammatical note, I’m no expert, but the sentence, “His hands settled on her hips and Cira turned, still swaying, looked up into gorgeous gray eyes.” needs a lot of work with comma usage. I would suggest reviewing your grammar book on comma usage and then come back to this sentence.

    Overall I think you have a lot of work to do with this story to really make it shine, but it can be done.

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