fantasy · Short Story · Teaser Tuesdays · work in progress · Writing

Writerly Teaser Tuesday

This is the second scene from my dragon short story. The first scene is here. Still not sure what’s going to happen and the girl is not named yet. Why are names so difficult? I am getting really tired of the “she” repetition.

She pushed the door shut with her hip and rushed to the stairs at the end of the hall. The steps were cold under her slippered feet and Ajani shivered. She hugged him tighter to her chest and whispered soothing words into his ear. Her workshop faced the practice yard where Father’s armsmen trained. She could hear the sounds of their practice – shouts, sword on shield – even through the closed window. But it was warm and Ajani’s mother would never come to the armsmen practice.

She deposited Ajani in his basket next to the fireplace and covered him with extra blankets. She hadn’t been in here since she had completed today’s lessons and the fire had burned down to embers, but she soon had it blazing.

When she looked in on Ajani, she found him sleeping snuggled under the blankets. Just as well. She needed time to make another batch of the potion. It kept him alive, even if it didn’t do anything else.

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7 thoughts on “Writerly Teaser Tuesday

  1. This is good! Usually I refrain from commenting on excerpts from people who aren’t my critique partners because I don’t want anyone to take it the wrong way 🙂 but I honestly thought this was well written.

    Here’s a few lame suggestions for you to think over!
    1. I was confused with the cold steps, Ajani shivering (who’s in her arms, right?), and then ‘it was warm.’ What was warm? Maybe it’d make more sense in context and not just in a short excerpt!
    2. The last two lines seem like they could be a lot stronger if you showed us him ill or near-dying, or her fearing his slumber might’ve been permanent. Then rushing to make the potion, giving it to him, and relaxing.

    Again, just suggestions! Feel free to ignore. Good job and good luck with it 🙂 Sorry if the comments were unwelcome!

    (Also, if she’s a princess still, or a witch, you could refer to her as that?)

  2. I like the progression and would like to see how she prepares the potion. As an herbalist myself, that would be interesting to me 🙂

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