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Visitation

This post is a little weird. It comes at the end of a spectacularly shitty week. At first I wasn’t even going to write one, but it is Friday evening and I thought why not? It’s mostly incomplete sentences and almost random images. It is a little strange and a new thing for me to do.  I am not sure it works.

Arms raised. Turn. Turn the other way. Look up. Look down.
 
Gentle fingers probe a soft, flabby stomach, move up to bare, sagging breasts.
 
Avoid the large protrusion on the bottom left joint. Wipe off yellow pus and red blood.
 
Get up, dress in a hospital gown and clutch the back with one hand. Lie down on a hospital bed. Get wheeled to a room.
 
Smell disinfectant. Finger is pricked. Swallow pills. Watch blood fill three little tubes.
 
Sign forms. Dress again in normal clothes. Leave.

30 thoughts on “Visitation

  1. Really intrigued by the large protrusion, Sonia. Good for you writing even though you are having a bad week. Hope things gets better for the weekend!

  2. I think it is interesting and works in its form. It reminds me of some prose, who uses such sentence structure, and it works there as well. You have all of the elements of a story needed. And it is very relate-able in its context, nice!

  3. This worked very well as a sketch. There’s an immediacy to it that engages the senses during the exam. The only thing I wondered about was the protrusion. Which joint was it on?

  4. You know what Sonia, I love this! This is exactly my type of writing! Such a more interetsing way of getting the emotion over rather than structuring an arc through beginning, middle, end structure. At least that’s my favoured approach!

  5. Like Larry, I wanted to know about the protrusion, but I think Steve’s take on it is positively brilliant, like the patient is telling only a fraction of what happened to her in the hospital because she has no full memory of it, and that is way creepy!

  6. I like the approach. Gives just the skeleton for the reader to plump out the bones. I do wonder why the protrusion wasn’t examined though. (Thiught of it gives me the willies)

  7. Arlee Bird says:

    Yes that was a little weird probably because it’s such a realistic account. I hate going to the ER and this reminded me of some of the reasons why.

    Lee
    Wrote By Rote

  8. Deanna Schrayer says:

    I agree with the others, this works very well. Sometimes detailed description is good but with a story like this one I believe it’s easier to see that detail without all the extraneous description.
    Hope this week has started out better than last week was Sonia!

  9. I think it works well because of the content being a hospital visit. Would be nice to learn more about what happened, but the scattered movements and thoughts style works well.

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